We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
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I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Dishonest mechanic?
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂