Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
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Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.