Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
You Might Also Like
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday