The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
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“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP