genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Me trying to “trust the process”
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.