Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.