“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
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a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I have two kinds of followers
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler