Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
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I’m not average. I’m mean.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
My daily affirmation
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.