Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
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As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.