I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
You Might Also Like
I feel it
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Ferrari squats
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?