I was very concerned with my Grandma today
You Might Also Like
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*