Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
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A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Yoga Matt
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Hmmmmm
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg