[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
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Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
fourth time’s the charm
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does