HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
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I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
lol
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son