I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
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wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Love this guy
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.