I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
You Might Also Like
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.