To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
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[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I would move hell over six inches for you
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
😂😂😂
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Somebody’s lying.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert