Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Banderslack Clamberdorch
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Who knew!
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.