My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Worst perfume name ever.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY