Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
You Might Also Like
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Not today, today.
Not today.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.