If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
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I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*