amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Oh, I bet you would be
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?