Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
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Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?