Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
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Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂