These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Personal question. #JustSaying
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too