guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
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if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.