guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
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I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
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Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.