If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
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[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple