[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
You Might Also Like
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas