no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
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do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️