I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
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is it earth
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
he was correct
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune