i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.