I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
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Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
had to share :’)
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”