interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
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When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
motivation
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David