“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
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Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.