Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
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[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this