It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
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Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Me too