50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
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Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Goat cheese is for herders.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?