Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
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This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!