@dshack8

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

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@CubanaMama82

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

@thepunningman

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

@Robert_Beau

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

@GinAndJif

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

@DannyZuker

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

@david8hughes

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

@SteveSuckington

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

@MythicPicnic

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

@Reverend_Scott

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.