*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
You Might Also Like
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.