My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
![]()
You Might Also Like
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.![]()
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?