wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
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In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Cheer up.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera