Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
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The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
You got this…
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
and now we wait
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.