At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
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If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]