I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
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Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Yep.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Today’s Times
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
when mom throws a party…
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.