The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
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Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.