Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
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You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.