Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
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Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
me, after any kind of buffet.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”