Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks