Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.