Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.