wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
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I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
for all #parents out there
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
In space, no one can hear…
12653.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker