My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
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Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.