I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin